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...it's been a hard day

Today was a fight between life and death. I felt like walking on borderlands between black and wihite, life and death, happiness and sorrow, smile and tears... My whole life is torn into both and I don't know where I do belong. Not only school was killing me. It is my family, my parents... They are telling things I'm not used to. I am so desperately lost in between and I don't know the right way to walk on. Where? When? How? Questions - so hard to answer. Can someone come and fix my heart? Please! Can someone come and make my broken world one? I think, I'm the only one who is able to come out of here, but I'm too weak...

~Something has been taken from deep inside of me, a secret I've kept locked away, no one can ever see, wounds so deep they'll never show, they'll never go away, like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played~            *Easier to run - Linkin Park*

16.1.07 19:47


It's been such a long time...

I was really busy being alive, just to breathe and to sleep were too hard. The pressure in school was unbearable and in the moment it isn't much better. Well at least I feel a little better now. The Christmas-holidays were at least good for recovering, even if Christmas is the time I hate most in the year. The complete breakdown was at New Years Eve, I drunk too much, so this is the way it goes everyday: High in the sky, down on the ground - That's my life. But I am now contented with my achievements in school - they are perfect, but that is making the whole thing worse, because I can't bear failure. At least it's weekend, and I have more time, well not really, I have to sleep, to learn and to clean my room. On sunday I'm going to watch the Movie "Mein Führer", it's a film about Hitler, but a funny one. ´

~Sparkling grey, through my own veins, any more than a whisper, any sudden movement of my heart. And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away, just get through this day~                           *Evanescence - The last song I'm wasting on you*

12.1.07 14:01


Where is the sense of it all, when all I'm breathing for is another day to make me break. I didn't want this weekend to end, I didn't want to go, I just don't feel strong enough for the next days, even if I try. After a breakdown on Friday, I am not sure if I can stand this some other days, I mean, holidays are over, Christmastime is starting, and I am caught in this world of dark, cold, rainy days, days I used to love, as they express my emotions, but now I see, they just pull me down. When the weather says what I feel, the world must be falling apart.

~And you just stand there and stare as my world divides~ *Evanescence - Snow White Queen* 

12.11.06 21:19


And now I try...

... to breathe, to feel again. I lose my faith and I'm too weak to stand this life anymore. Tomorrow school is going to start again and I am afraid of the pressure coming up again. And I am scared of losing my mind. But what I fear the most is failing. I can't cope with this, I wanna make everything right, but I always let it fall, I break it, I destroy it. Everything I do is wrong. The problem is not that I am bad in school, no, but I am not good enough. I want to be perfect. But perfection is so far away from me. And it seems the more I am running for it, the farther it is getting away from me. No way to reach it. And then I break down and I lose it all. And exactly this happened a couple of weeks ago. So now I have to face the truth again. I am afraid of school, because I know I won't be able to survive it unhurt. And I am at the start again of this cycle I wanted to break, but as I do in everything: I failed.

~Everytime I try to gasp for air, I am smothered in dispair, it's never over, seems I'll never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent prayer - let it be over~ *Christina Aguilera - Walk away* 

31.10.06 15:15


Holy, Holy, Holidays

Finally after many weeks full of harm and hopelessness, the holiday have begun. And now I have freetime, no learning and no school in my mind. But the best is, that next week I am going to Paris, finally, my city, my 2nd home, the place where I've lost my heart... Every single breath I took there was a breath full of joy, and I hope, I really hope that this time the joy will stay as long as possible, even after my return to Germany. Even after school has started again. I really need this joy, I need something I can hold on, something I can live from. Something to survive. The last weeks were too hard for me, I felt like breaking completely, I was crying most of the time, I felt my depression rise again. And, it came as it had to come, I took out the blade to release me from this emptiness, to keep my body running, just to feel again. I couldn't take this life anymore, there was no sense, I was learning the whole time, I was having nightmares the whole time, I was so frightened the whole time. And this was the same thing last year, I was breaking under pressure, even if it isn't this hard (I just have to think of Johnson, whose school-system is jail-like), but I know what happened next, exactly 1 year ago... It became worse. Everyday was just fighting without knowing why... And then there came the day when I decided to make it stop. The day I wanted to commit suicide. And after that I was sent to this hospiatl for psychological illnesses... The worst thing that could happen is that history is repeating once again. But my hope is Paris, because maybe this city, where all my senses are refreshed, where my heart starts beating again and my eyes fill with tears of joy, is the place where I can start living again, at least for the next few months or weeks.

~I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me, there's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree, I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me underneath~ *Natasha Bedingfiled - I bruise easily*

17.10.06 21:29


Oh bloody Monday

I can't believe I survived today, I just don't remember myself getting up and going anywhere... But I really was there, somewhere. My thoughts in the past, my body in the presence and everything I want to be, far in the future, so that I can't touch it. Never. They were singing a dark lullaby to me and it made me fall asleep so deeply that I don't even know where I was when it happened.

~And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall, pour real life down on me~ *Evanescence - Good neough*

2.10.06 20:11


So many things...

... happened in the last week. I've been to Denmark. It was great, even if I often felt depressive. There were many people to cheer me up. First of all: Veronica, the danish student I stayed with. She is such a nice girl and I admire her for her strength. Her family was also very impressive and we had so much tings to talk about. Then there were my teachers, who are a bit childish, but with whom I often spent my time on excursions, because I didn't feel well enough to go with my friends. They were too "happy", and I can't stand this, when I'm sad. But maybe it was also good for me to get to know the teachers a bit better, and I've learned that they are also just humans, not the perfect monsters we see. The days went by too fast, I could hardly breathe, I had tears in my eyes, I didn't want to leave... but I had to. So this week I have to fight again in school. Today a Test in French, tomorrow in sports I have to run between the lines, a horror-trip. My psychological health will suffer a lot tomorrow, not only these lines, we have history, and I don't wanna go. But I have to...

~It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb~ *Linkin Park - Easier to run*

26.9.06 19:36


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