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So sick of being tired and so tired of being sick

Another Monday. Another day I survived. My day was full of emptiness. I was still standing somewhere in my world far away from life. School was just a hazy picture of my memory, maybe I was there, just physically. My thoughts were spinning fast, and I fell apart in daydreaming and remembering old days. Everything is so far away, I don't feel it anymore. Maybe it's just because I don't cry after it. Life makes me break. I'm too emotional for this world where you should be strong enough to put all this away. But I'm fragile as the wings of a butterfly. If I'm just touched by words, music or whatever, I break, I burst into tears, even if I can't show it. Inside myself everything leaves an impression, and a tear, a scar, a memory. I wish myslf away from life, so that I don't need to hide anymore, behind a faked smile.

~I dream in darkness, I sleep to die,  erase the silence, erase my life, our burning ashes blacken the day, a world of nothingness, blow me away~ *Evanescence - Sweet Sacrifice*

11.9.06 18:22


One week makes me weak

School has started again this week. I really longed for it, but now I see, that I break down under pressure, oh my god, it was just one week, so how can I survive the other ones? First, everything changed, new class, new people, new teachers... But old problems. I fight everyday for a new chance to get away. In the moment I'm just lost in my world full of darkness, and I wonder why I never see the light. I try to do everything right, but all I can do is making mistakes. Sometimes I don't even understand myself anymore. And in school I try to concentrate, I give my best, but I feel how I fall every day. I can't go on like this. My body feels tired, and my soul is already dead. Just broken and torn, I'm not able to do anything...

My history teacher is one of the biggest poblems for me. She is the kind of person, that doesn't understand anything. There is her emotionality on the one hand, but on the other one these emotlional things make me break. I can't listen to her talking about suicide. History was one of my favorite subjects, and now it's pure agony. I don't want her to talk about death, but she does it again, again and again. It's not our topic. On top of that it makes me dead inside.

But there is still something left. In one week we are going to Denmark. Finally. I'm looking forward to that. But first I have to survive another week. But I'm too weak.

~Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something if you had the cash? Have you ever felt blue? Or thought your train moving, while sitting still? Maybe I was crazy... Or maybe I was just a girl, interrupted.~ *Susana (Winona Ryder) in "Girl, interrupted"*

8.9.06 20:23


Tomorrow...

Time is running too fast, I think... Tomorrow my sister is going to have her school-start-party, I still remember some years ago, she just said her first word, and now? I'm very excited, even more than my sister. On top of that my cousins will come, that makes me happy, so that I have at least someone to talk to...

Some days ago I read in the guestbook of our school, that one of my best friends in the elementary school (that was about 7 years ago) is going to come to our school this year and I wrote her an E-Mail, we talked about the last years and I'm so happy to see her again, in 3 days. So I hope the next days will fade away like a candle on a cold stormy day...

~Why does the sun go on shining, why does the sea rush the shores... Why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry? Don't they know, it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye~ *Davis Skeeter-End of the world*

1.9.06 18:43


The Seasons

Today I just sat inside, because the rainy weather doesn't allow me to go outside. I feel fall is coming, I love it, but I'm afraid of it's sweet melancholy. I'm bored, and I want school to start again (I'm crazy, I know), so that the day is filled with assignments, and not as boring as today. Of course, then I won't have time for anything, but as far as I know that is better than just hanging around with nothing to do, so that I just make up bad ideas. I wanna stop thinking of summerdays, because they do not understand, that I hate them, they come and go, like every year, but when they're gone, I start missing them, because they seem the only time of the year when it's too hot for tears of sorrow. But summer is dying, fall is breathing and soon to bring the winter back to my heart...

~Another mother's breakin', heart is taking over, when the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken... With their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns, in your head they are dying~ *The Cranberries - Zombie*

I don't understand the world anymore why there's just terrorism, why there are people killed, when they're innocent, why there are children living in fear of death, all alone, because their parents were victims of war... WHY? 

29.8.06 19:08


Hold on

I try to find something I can hold on, something that makes me live, something I can look forward to... Something I could die for, just to give me a new day. New days are strange, I often wake up, and I wonder: why is everything like yesterday, why doesn't this new day give me a reason to fight for another one?

Today was the birthday-Party of my grandma, one other thing that makes me feel bad. We played again: Happy Family, everything is OK, but the truth is that everything is wrong... Well, I know they do not know exactly what is going on in my mind, in my soul, but I can't stand this anymore. I don't wanted go there, but I had to...

~My heart can't possibly break, if it wasn't even whole to start with~ *Kelly Clarkson - Because of You*

28.8.06 11:47


Sometimes...

A new day is over. Feeling like an angel without it's wings, so that it can't fly... I fight and fight to forget, but every breath I take seems to break me more and more... Sometimes I just wanna leave, run away... Sometimes I'm too weak to give up, I can't stand this pain of broken memories, but when I stop struggling they come true again... Sometimes it seems like the sunrise, but in the next second I recognize it's the sunrset, 'til the rain comes back... Sometimes I wish that I could disappear without anybody noticing it... But I feel that I am not strong, 'cause sometimes means: Always...

~Here in the shadows I'm safe, I'm free, I've nowhere else to go to, but I can't stay where I don't belong~ *Evanescence - Exodus*

27.8.06 21:53


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