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Oh bloody Monday

I can't believe I survived today, I just don't remember myself getting up and going anywhere... But I really was there, somewhere. My thoughts in the past, my body in the presence and everything I want to be, far in the future, so that I can't touch it. Never. They were singing a dark lullaby to me and it made me fall asleep so deeply that I don't even know where I was when it happened.

~And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall, pour real life down on me~ *Evanescence - Good neough*

2.10.06 20:11


Holy, Holy, Holidays

Finally after many weeks full of harm and hopelessness, the holiday have begun. And now I have freetime, no learning and no school in my mind. But the best is, that next week I am going to Paris, finally, my city, my 2nd home, the place where I've lost my heart... Every single breath I took there was a breath full of joy, and I hope, I really hope that this time the joy will stay as long as possible, even after my return to Germany. Even after school has started again. I really need this joy, I need something I can hold on, something I can live from. Something to survive. The last weeks were too hard for me, I felt like breaking completely, I was crying most of the time, I felt my depression rise again. And, it came as it had to come, I took out the blade to release me from this emptiness, to keep my body running, just to feel again. I couldn't take this life anymore, there was no sense, I was learning the whole time, I was having nightmares the whole time, I was so frightened the whole time. And this was the same thing last year, I was breaking under pressure, even if it isn't this hard (I just have to think of Johnson, whose school-system is jail-like), but I know what happened next, exactly 1 year ago... It became worse. Everyday was just fighting without knowing why... And then there came the day when I decided to make it stop. The day I wanted to commit suicide. And after that I was sent to this hospiatl for psychological illnesses... The worst thing that could happen is that history is repeating once again. But my hope is Paris, because maybe this city, where all my senses are refreshed, where my heart starts beating again and my eyes fill with tears of joy, is the place where I can start living again, at least for the next few months or weeks.

~I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me, there's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree, I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me underneath~ *Natasha Bedingfiled - I bruise easily*

17.10.06 21:29


And now I try...

... to breathe, to feel again. I lose my faith and I'm too weak to stand this life anymore. Tomorrow school is going to start again and I am afraid of the pressure coming up again. And I am scared of losing my mind. But what I fear the most is failing. I can't cope with this, I wanna make everything right, but I always let it fall, I break it, I destroy it. Everything I do is wrong. The problem is not that I am bad in school, no, but I am not good enough. I want to be perfect. But perfection is so far away from me. And it seems the more I am running for it, the farther it is getting away from me. No way to reach it. And then I break down and I lose it all. And exactly this happened a couple of weeks ago. So now I have to face the truth again. I am afraid of school, because I know I won't be able to survive it unhurt. And I am at the start again of this cycle I wanted to break, but as I do in everything: I failed.

~Everytime I try to gasp for air, I am smothered in dispair, it's never over, seems I'll never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent prayer - let it be over~ *Christina Aguilera - Walk away* 

31.10.06 15:15





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