Me, Myself and I

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Time is running too fast, I think... Tomorrow my sister is going to have her school-start-party, I still remember some years ago, she just said her first word, and now? I'm very excited, even more than my sister. On top of that my cousins will come, that makes me happy, so that I have at least someone to talk to...

Some days ago I read in the guestbook of our school, that one of my best friends in the elementary school (that was about 7 years ago) is going to come to our school this year and I wrote her an E-Mail, we talked about the last years and I'm so happy to see her again, in 3 days. So I hope the next days will fade away like a candle on a cold stormy day...

~Why does the sun go on shining, why does the sea rush the shores... Why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry? Don't they know, it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye~ *Davis Skeeter-End of the world*

1.9.06 18:43

One week makes me weak

School has started again this week. I really longed for it, but now I see, that I break down under pressure, oh my god, it was just one week, so how can I survive the other ones? First, everything changed, new class, new people, new teachers... But old problems. I fight everyday for a new chance to get away. In the moment I'm just lost in my world full of darkness, and I wonder why I never see the light. I try to do everything right, but all I can do is making mistakes. Sometimes I don't even understand myself anymore. And in school I try to concentrate, I give my best, but I feel how I fall every day. I can't go on like this. My body feels tired, and my soul is already dead. Just broken and torn, I'm not able to do anything...

My history teacher is one of the biggest poblems for me. She is the kind of person, that doesn't understand anything. There is her emotionality on the one hand, but on the other one these emotlional things make me break. I can't listen to her talking about suicide. History was one of my favorite subjects, and now it's pure agony. I don't want her to talk about death, but she does it again, again and again. It's not our topic. On top of that it makes me dead inside.

But there is still something left. In one week we are going to Denmark. Finally. I'm looking forward to that. But first I have to survive another week. But I'm too weak.

~Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something if you had the cash? Have you ever felt blue? Or thought your train moving, while sitting still? Maybe I was crazy... Or maybe I was just a girl, interrupted.~ *Susana (Winona Ryder) in "Girl, interrupted"*

8.9.06 20:23

So sick of being tired and so tired of being sick

Another Monday. Another day I survived. My day was full of emptiness. I was still standing somewhere in my world far away from life. School was just a hazy picture of my memory, maybe I was there, just physically. My thoughts were spinning fast, and I fell apart in daydreaming and remembering old days. Everything is so far away, I don't feel it anymore. Maybe it's just because I don't cry after it. Life makes me break. I'm too emotional for this world where you should be strong enough to put all this away. But I'm fragile as the wings of a butterfly. If I'm just touched by words, music or whatever, I break, I burst into tears, even if I can't show it. Inside myself everything leaves an impression, and a tear, a scar, a memory. I wish myslf away from life, so that I don't need to hide anymore, behind a faked smile.

~I dream in darkness, I sleep to die,  erase the silence, erase my life, our burning ashes blacken the day, a world of nothingness, blow me away~ *Evanescence - Sweet Sacrifice*

11.9.06 18:22

So many things...

... happened in the last week. I've been to Denmark. It was great, even if I often felt depressive. There were many people to cheer me up. First of all: Veronica, the danish student I stayed with. She is such a nice girl and I admire her for her strength. Her family was also very impressive and we had so much tings to talk about. Then there were my teachers, who are a bit childish, but with whom I often spent my time on excursions, because I didn't feel well enough to go with my friends. They were too "happy", and I can't stand this, when I'm sad. But maybe it was also good for me to get to know the teachers a bit better, and I've learned that they are also just humans, not the perfect monsters we see. The days went by too fast, I could hardly breathe, I had tears in my eyes, I didn't want to leave... but I had to. So this week I have to fight again in school. Today a Test in French, tomorrow in sports I have to run between the lines, a horror-trip. My psychological health will suffer a lot tomorrow, not only these lines, we have history, and I don't wanna go. But I have to...

~It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb~ *Linkin Park - Easier to run*

26.9.06 19:36


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